I see how my friends are living back on America, my homeland. I read their blogs, I see the posts and photos on Facebook. They go to birthday parties and baby showers. They see a dozen friends at church every week. They invite families over to dinner. They meet fellow moms and go shopping or have lunch. To be honest I often get twinges of jealousy. It makes me turn off my computer and go focus on something else to take my mind the fact that I seriously, have no social life.
I haven't talked about it much on the blog so you might not know...I moved to Romania when I was 15, my parents are missionaries here. Most of us kids are all grown up and doing our own thing now. I still have a younger sister living with my parents, and my older brother lives an hour away with his wife. The rest of the family lives across the ocean much too far away. My family has always been very close and for that I am thankful. We are each others best friends and I've always really loved that. There is no way I could survive living in a foreign land without them by my side.
I should be used to it by now! That's what I keep telling myself. I've lived here for 6 years for goodness sake! Don't you think I would have adapted by now? In many ways I have, I catch myself thinking more European than American a lot of the time. I'm more practical now, more realistic, more open than I used to be. I feel more comfortable and at ease here than the states. I understand the language very well and can converse enough to survive. I no longer remember the words to English hymns, I only can come up with the romanian translation. I love this country more than many of the people born here, I'm truly happy here, this is my home.
I'm just lonely. I try to talk myself out of it and convince my mind into thinking I'm not. But I am. I know it's wrong to be jealous of other people's lives, I know it's wrong to be discontent. But they never tell you how isolated you feel living in a foreign country. Does it ever change? Does that feeling ever go away? Will I ever not feel lonely?
Honestly I don't know. I've been having a rough week, everything is most likely out of proportion right now. If I just hang on, I'll cheer up soon enough. I always do.
But today, right now,
I just feel homesick.