21.3.13

Lonely, Homesick.


Yesterday I felt homesick for the first time in a long, long time. All throughout the day little things would pop into my head and that lonely feeling would just overwhelm me for a moment. Being a wife and mom has especially made me feel the loneliness more than ever. I don't have any friends at all here besides my family and some business friends. I find myself wishing I could go have a heart to heart with a girlfriend over a cup of coffee. As I see Spring approaching I realize that I won't be meeting another mom in the park with our babies in tow. There are never double dates. There are no friends over for dinner. I don't even have friends to look forward to seeing at church.

I see how my friends are living back on America, my homeland. I read their blogs, I see the posts and photos on Facebook. They go to birthday parties and baby showers. They see a dozen friends at church every week. They invite families over to dinner. They meet fellow moms and go shopping or have lunch. To be honest I often get twinges of jealousy. It makes me turn off my computer and go focus on something else to take my mind the fact that I seriously, have no social life.

I haven't talked about it much on the blog so you might not know...I moved to Romania when I was 15, my parents are missionaries here. Most of us kids are all grown up and doing our own thing now. I still have a younger sister living with my parents, and my older brother lives an hour away with his wife. The rest of the family lives across the ocean much too far away. My family has always been very close and for that I am thankful. We are each others best friends and I've always really loved that. There is no way I could survive living in a foreign land without them by my side.

I should be used to it by now! That's what I keep telling myself. I've lived here for 6 years for goodness sake! Don't you think I would have adapted by now? In many ways I have, I catch myself thinking more European than American a lot of the time. I'm more practical now, more realistic, more open than I used to be. I feel more comfortable and at ease here than the states. I understand the language very well and can converse enough to survive. I no longer remember the words to English hymns, I only can come up with the romanian translation. I love this country more than many of the people born here, I'm truly happy here, this is my home.

I'm just lonely. I try to talk myself out of it and convince my mind into thinking I'm not. But I am. I know it's wrong to be jealous of other people's lives, I know it's wrong to be discontent. But they never tell you how isolated you feel living in a foreign country. Does it ever change? Does that feeling ever go away? Will I ever not feel lonely?

Honestly I don't know. I've been having a rough week, everything is most likely out of proportion right now. If I just hang on, I'll cheer up soon enough. I always do.

But today, right now,
I just feel homesick.

XO,
Arielle

5 comments:

  1. Awww Marie, I'm so sorry! I wish I could hop on a plane and go to Romania and hang out with you. We would have coffee and talk and have a good ole time. You'll be in my prayers today, friend.

    Love,
    manda
    http://meandjesus-amanda.blogspot.com

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  2. It helps me to pray to the Lord about my struggles. If you believe with your whole heart that He can change your circumstances, then He will if He so desires.

    "Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them."~ Mark 11:24

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  3. Goodness, do I ever know what you mean. I don't have any close friends that are my age (other than Jared) that are in my state either. I guess that's why I've been feeling slightly down lately - because I am ready to get engaged and married and start a whole new life in a new town with just about new everything. But in all of this wanting and emptiness I KNOW that God has a purpose and plan. There' just something I have yet to grasp knowledge of yet; and I know my time will come soon enough. My time for making friends and building a whole new life *will come.* I just have to believe God for it!

    I'll definitely be praying for you, Arielle! *hugs*

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  4. I can relate to what you are feeling. Even though I am now blessed with a good group of Mom friends, it's been years in the making to even start to feel slightly at home. Husbands are amazing, but we all need good girlfriends once in a while. Will pray for you!

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  5. I guess this just reminds me of the fact that God created us to NEED people. The interaction, the support, the conversation, the physical relationship of something you can SEE and feel and experience in front of you.

    You know, it makes me think of something. You said you don't have much of a social like; maybe have a group chat with all of your blog followers sometime. Meet them face to face, but to make a little less.... awkward, you can make it a Q&A session or something fun like that. Just an idea. :)

    And I know just what you mean when you say you've forgotten the person you are. Sometimes when you're around people who expect you to be a certain way, you find yourself being that 'way', even if it's not the person that you know you are, the personality you know you have. I'm speaking from personal experience here. What honestly helps me the most, is just sitting myself down, and refreshing my memory of the person God made me to be, the personality He gave me, that I love having. It sounds pretty ridiculous, but it pretty much just goes like this; "I love Audrey Hepburn, Coffee, tea, lots of Coffee, Traveling and old books, poetry and hidden meanings; the depths of hidden places, emotional, spiritual, artistic, the things you have to see with your soul, and not your eyes; Art and passion, movie making and the art of acting; All of the beautiful forms of self expression there is, the life and fire that God puts into people's hearts to do and feel miraculous things, the leaps of pure ecstasy that adventure requires; and independence and confidence and just life in general, when viewed in the proper light..." And so on and so forth. It reminds me what I stand for, what I live for, and gives me the self assurance that really lightens my spirit.

    Anyway. I definitely feel for you. :)

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Hey there! Thank's so much for taking the time to visit my blog. I love hearing feedback from my readers, your comments bring sunshine into my day! Please no anonymous commenters, sign your comment with your name or a nickname so I know who you are! :-) Wishing you a fabulous day, XO, Marie